What is a Healthy Boundary, and Why Do I Feel Guilty Setting One?

A boundary is a guardrail you set in personal and relational situations. It defines your responsibility and your response, rather than trying to control someone else’s behavior. It sets the standard of what you are willing to participate in, accept, give, or do within the relationship.

Relational boundaries differ among relationships and determine the level of access to which you allow someone to participate in your life. A spouse or lifelong friend will most likely have a higher level of access to who you are personally than someone you just met. Boundaries are set to distinguish things like refusing to participate in a shouting match. Someone’s anger, frustration, or hurt does not give them the right to yell at you or bully you. Equally true, their shouting and frustration do not obligate you to change your mind.

Then there are personal boundaries which revolve around physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, and work/digital aspects of your life. A great example is a budget. It is a personal financial boundary that says I will not spend more than I bring in, and I have other boundaries around how much I will spend on, say, dining out.

There are two ways setting boundaries can lead to guilt. One, you feel bad because you bumped into your own personal guardrail, so you’re being hard on yourself about it. Two, the person you set the boundary with is maybe hurt or not as accepting as you would have liked, and you feel guilty. If you are feeling guilty, it might be time to turn to God and ask him what you are feeling. What may God be trying to teach you in this season? Ask yourself what the purpose of the boundary is and whether the guilt is yours to carry.

I want to leave you with a little encouragement because we talk about setting boundaries as if they are easy, and don’t get me wrong, some are easier than others, but this can require a little work. I have gone beyond a bump against my own boundaries…I have flat-out slammed into the guardrail. My own boundary, and you know what, at first I did feel bad, and there were times when I probably beat myself up far more than I should have, but you know what… it turned out ok. I learned from it, adjusted the guardrail if I needed to, and continued to observe to see if the new boundary protects the priority I have set. Now don’t get me wrong…it took me a long time to get here, and I still get upset with myself sometimes, but I try to take a deep breath and ask God to reveal what he is teaching me in this moment. What does He want me to take away from this?

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” What is weighing on your heart today? Is there a boundary that needs to be set in place, or maybe something that needs adjusting? Take some time with God and ask Him for wisdom and discernment.